11 Dec
2011

Christmas Special 2012

 

10 things to keep you sane during the festive season

No.1 

Bottle of tequilaBig Jumbo Henderson's Tequila Christmas Cake

The vital incredients

  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1 tsp. baking powder
  • 1 cup water
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1 cup brown sugar
  • Lemon juice
  • 4 large eggs
  • Nuts
  • 1 bottle tequila
  • 2 cups dried fruit

The method

Sample the tequila to check quality.  Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.  Repeat.  Turn on the electric mixer.  Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.  At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK.  Try another cup just in case.  Turn off the mixerer thingy.  Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit.  Pick  the  fruit up off the floor.  Mix on the turner.  If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.  Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.  Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.  Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon ice strain your nuts.  Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.  Greash the oven.  Turn the cake tin 360 s and try not to fall over.  Don't forget to beat off the turner.  Finally, throw the bowl through the window.  Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

Cherry Mristmas

 


Drunk on cocktails

No.2

Happy Jack's refuge from piss poor TV, Drunk on Christmas, a very #sophisticated cocktail

Recipe

A delicious recipe for Drunk on Christmas, with Midori® melon liqueur, Tullamore Dew® Irish whiskey, apple schnapps, sweet and sour mix, ice cubes and maraschino cherries.

Ingredients

3 oz Midori® melon liqueur
2 oz Tullamore Dew® Irish whiskey
1 oz apple schnapps
4 oz sweet and sour mix
ice cubes
maraschino cherries

The method

Mix and shake irish whiskey, midori, and apple schnapps with ice. Fill whiskey sour glass with ice. Strain mixture over ice in glass. Fill with sweet and sour mix. Garnish with several free floating maraschino cherries.

Serve in: Whiskey Sour Glass

 


 

No.3

Christmas video at its best

No more iq-factor, Strictly Come Something or other crap here is your very own Christmas Special to bring a tear to a glass eye.

 


 

No.4

Christmas AngelAngel on top of the Christmas tree

Have you ever wondered why there is always a beautiful angel placed on top of the Christmas Tree? Well our intrepid reporters hacked into the emails of a well known Santa and found that this is the reason why.....

This One Year Santa Was Having A Very Bad Day. His Wife Didn't Give Him None, He Had A Hangover From The Night Before, Non Of The Elves Were On Schedule, The Kids Were All Bitching And Whining And Unappreciative. He Went To Have A Drink But All The Liqure Was Gone, Everyone Was Demanding That He Do Something, The House Was A Mess And He Stubbed His Toe On A Broken Toy And So He Started To Cuss And Shout And He Was Really Pissed. Just Then The Doorbell Rang And It Was An Angel With A Beautiful New Christmas Tree. "where Should I Put This Santa?"

 


 

No.5

All I Want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague Away Kit

Dukla Prague Away StripAs the descriptor for the video below states -
In 1986, Birkenhead band Half Man Half Biscuit - punk ethic purveyors of satire, social commentary, parody and angst - released their debut single, "The Trumpton Riots". On the B-side was the now legendary track, "All I want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague away kit": the finest study of adolescent obsession, frustration, rivalry, violence and table football ever to grace the wrong side of a bit of vinyl.

 


 

No. 6

The 10 Worst things about Christmas 

By Jim Mean 

1. The pubs are too full. 

I don't need the time of year for an excuse to go out drinking until late! the rest of you are just tourists.

Christmas Jumpers2. Pretending to like shit presents.

"Well Auntie Mavis, how on earth did you know I always wanted a hand knitted mohair straightjacket? How thoughtful of you!"

3. Having to buy everyone else presents. 

How many kids have your brothers and sisters got now? How expensive are 'safe' little children's toys and clothes!?


4. Repetitive TV. 

I don't know about you, but if I see The Upper Hand Christmas special one more time I am going to hunt down and maim Joe McGann. 

5. Santa Claus wears red because of coca cola. 

Yes, its true! Before those merchants of tooth decaying juice used him in their marketing campaigns, Saint Nicholas was widely thought to wear green and white, like his elves. 

Family Christmas6. Spending time with my family. 

Jesus wept!! 

7. Christmas decorations. 

You stumble in home late after the pub and get attacked by tinsel. You tread on one of the Christmas tree lights and they all go out.

8. Carol singers. 

If you turn up on my doorstep and start making that racket again this year I'm going to call the police like last time.

God Save the Queen
9. Christians.
 

We only agree to celebrate it because they let us have time off work for it. Don't be giving me any of this frankincense and myrrh crap! 

10. The Queens speech. 

Who the hell does she think she is?

 


 

No. 7

Press Release: Christmas Downsizing

 

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

 

Gloom and Doom in the economy1.The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

 

2.The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

 

3.The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
4.The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

 

5.The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

 

6.The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

 

7.The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

 

8.As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

 

9.Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

 

10.Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Piper

11.Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming (Click on the link to see what I mean!!)is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

 

12.We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

 

 

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not

 


 

No. 8

A Perfect Christmas

Lou Reed may have sung about a Perfect Day but for this happy, perfect couple, what was perfect about their Christmas.

Perfect Christmas

Please click on the image above to follow their path to perfection



 

 


 

 

 



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